im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
