If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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