saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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