i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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