Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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