he thought i was a dude.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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