my sisters under your porch take her home
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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