Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
