i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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