This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
