We're like a lot better than the average bears
Umm I'm too high to move.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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