The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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