I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
