I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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