that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
