i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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