I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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