Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Don't tell me you're on acid again
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
