I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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