Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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