Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
