whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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