if i can run in heels then i can drive
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
