well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Who died my cat blue again?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
