Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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