I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
