Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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