you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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