I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
