i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
