I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
