Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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