Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
