just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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