the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
