I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
