Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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