we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
