I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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