The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
