Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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