I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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