Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD