saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.