everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED