i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
