So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
