just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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