Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
should my penis look like a turkey
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
