I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
