I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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