why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
