new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
