All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
