she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
