escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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