At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
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drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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