Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
