Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
