The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
